complement me

show me your hands
so i could reach out to you
give me respect
so i could give it back to you

share with me your thoughts
so i could understand you
say what you have to say
so i could lend my ear to you

show me that you'll listen
so i can speak to you
give me your trust
so that i can open up for you

show me understanding
so that i can show you patience
teach me how to know you
so that i can understand you back

show me that you value me
so that i can treasure you
give me a little of your love
so i can give my love to you

bad news... bad news... *sigh*

This is what i hate about having to hear and watch the news in the evening. I get to here news that just brings your head to the point of boiling. Last i heard, they're planning to increase the minimum fare again in public transportations. The increase they're planning is Php2.00. Php2.00!!! (insert curses here) what the (insert the f word here)... that would bring the minimum fare to Php7.50 (in cavite, if you ride the so-called "mini-bus" it would be Php8.00) a (insert the "f" word here) Php7.50 fare for a kilometer (or even less) ride!!! and that's not all, i also heard that they're planning to increase the VAT from 10% to 12%!!! (curses... curses) and they're saying that this is for the good of the country, to increase the budget the government gets from the people. (curses... curses)
i don't know... i'm starting to hate talking about this. i feel my blood rushing to my head, boiling... i hate seeing the news... i hate hearing it... i hate reading it....(sigh) i wish i could just get out of this place. (curses... curses)

starry skies

underneath the starry skies
i'm here alone with open eyes
i'm staring blankly in the night
wishing you're here within my sight
i miss your kiss, i miss your smile
i miss you honey
damn! i miss your smile
i can't help it
i don't know why
can't stop thinking of you
no matter how i try
i just wish you're here with me
near me, beside me
with your arms around me
to walk, to talk
to kiss and to smile
to just be together
underneath the starry skies

in the comfort of my shell

today
i'm inside my shell again
it's safer here
i'm shielded from the chaos
my surroundings give me
it's quiet here
i get to think better
my eyes are protected
from seeing the undesirable
i'm protected from the outside
protected from anything that could harm me
today i'm back inside my shell
it's where i feel comfort
in times of trouble like this
the solitude inside it
mends whatever hurt i feel
the peacefulness lets me things
in its brighter side
today
i'm in side my shell again
i'm like this whenever
i'm down
whenever i'm lonely
i always go inside it during these times
i'd be out again in no time
i just have to hide my self for some time
today
i'll just be inside my shell

i'm sorry

i'm sorry if i hurt you
i'm sorry if i made you feel that way
i'm sorry if it seems i don't understand
i'm sorry for acting this way

i'm sorry if i said anything
i'm sorry if i became insensitive
i'm sorry if i forgot something
i'm sorry if i was offensive

i'm sorry
that's all i can say
i'm sorry
please forgive me
that's just what i have to say

A bad dream

I woke up sweating. It was a very bad dream. I'm still shaking though i'm already wide-awake. I can't put myself to sleep anymore. Though the dream i had seemed so real, i can't remember even just one detail of what my dream was about. It was odd. I always remember something about the dreams i have. This one became very peculiar to me.

I came to my senses and stopped shaking after a few moments. I sat up and just brushed off the thought of the dream from my mind. I was still sweating though. And it felt like my head is being drilled in a thousand places. I put my hand in my head, but it felt numb, as if i'm touching nothing. In fact, it feels like my whole body's numb. I know i'm sitting up, but i can't feel the bed beneath me.

It was still dark. I don't know whether the power's out, or it's just too dark. Or maybe it’s just my headache making me see things differently.

I slowly got up from bed. I can't bear the headache anymore. It felt like my head's going to explode. So fighting the pain in my head, i started to walk towards my bedroom door. I searched for my slippers with my foot. I can't bring my head down because of the headache. When i finally found my slippers, i opened the door. I went out, and noticed a faint light coming from the kitchen downstairs. I guessed it was my mom preparing our breakfast.

I climbed down our stairs. Step by step, trying to bear the pain every footstep brings to my head. When i reached the first floor, i slowly made my way to our bathroom. My mom, as i guessed, was there, busy mixing ingredients in her kitchen, her laboratory. She was too busy to notice me pass by behind her. As i went inside the bathroom, i heard my mom call out to my sister telling her to wake me up already because its getting late. It's always like that every morning, though still dark, my mom's always telling us it's already late.

I went out of the bathroom, straight to where we kept our medicines. My head ached terribly. I had to take my medicine for the pain to subside. I've had this headache for nearly a week now. My doctor told me that this is just because of the stress i'm having lately. Stress from work and many other things. He gave me a prescription and told me to take the medicine every time my head ache. He told me it would take the pain away. The headaches will die down after a few days, he told me further.

My mother called out again to my sister. She still didn't notice that i'm already there with her. I took my medicine and went outside to our porch. The sun is now slowly rising, eating her way up the darkness. I expected the cool morning air to help ease the pain i have in my head.

I sat on the steps leading to our small garden. That's where i usually sit to kill time. I'm in no mood to go out of the house for work because of the headache. I just wanted to sit there and stare at the sun as it slowly climbs its way to the blue skies. Our porch had a perfect view of the distant mountain, where the sun peeks out every morning. The beauty of the mountain, the green valley beneath it, and the brightening blue skies always has a way to make me relax. Staring at them somehow makes me feel better.

My head started to feel better. I didn't know if it's the morning air and the scenery, or the medicine slowly taking effect that made the pain in my head subside. But whatever it is, i was glad that the headache is slowly wearing out. My mind started to get clearer. I started to feel better. The doctor was right, the pain will just go away. The headache though more painful, do not last long now as before. Just like how the doctor told it would go for the next days, its more painful during its last days as an effect of the medicine he gave me. He told me to expect a week before the pain completely goes away.

I heard a scream from inside the house. It was my sister. I don't know what it is right now she's screaming about. I got up to see if anything's wrong, again, with my sister. I saw my mom from the window, hurrying up the stairs. I took a last look at the rising sun before going in the house. When i went in i heard my mom crying, shouting. I felt nervous and anxious as to what had happened to my sister. As i hurried upstairs, i realized that my mom and my sister are both crying, and they're in my bedroom. In my bedroom! I wondered what they are doing in my bedroom. I started to run towards my room in anxiety.

What i saw there made my knees weak. I almost fell down to the floor as i saw what was in front of me. My sister was on her knees, beside my bed crying. My mother sat beside her also weeping, with a phone in hand, frantically dialing. My heart beat uncontrollably as i moved closer to my bed. I was left in shock when i saw who was in my bed.

It was I, lying there, with blood all over my face and my pillow. I bled through my nose. I was not breathing.

I was there, lifeless.

I was lying there, dead.

my life, my everything

i see you there
standing at my door
staring at the shining sun
i started to think
how something so small
has grown into something this special
my life has been so bright
ever since you came
and now as i stand here
beside you
i realize how thankful i should be
for having someone with me
someone who i share my joys with
someone who's with me
in times of pain and hardship
someone i can talk to
whenever i feel like speaking
someone i can laugh with
someone i can cry with
someone i can sit with
and stare at the stars at night
someone who guides me when i'm lost
someone who makes me smile when everything else puts me in tears
as i think of these things
i completely understand
how important you are to me
you really are my life
my everything
my forever...

War of the Heart and the Mind

(in the middle of an argument)
heart: can't you see? our master's so much happy right now
mind: I know our master is happy. But do you think that happiness would last? Do you think its the kind of happiness that our master's looking for?
heart: i don't care if its the right happiness or not. what's important is that our master is happy.
mind: happy now, and miserable in the end.
heart: so what if the happiness ends, there's always something else that could make our master happy.
mind: you don't get it.
heart: no! i perfectly get it. you are the one that needs to understand what i'm saying
mind: i completely understand what you're trying to say
heart: and yet you still think otherwise
mind: that's because i'm thinking not only of today, but also of tomorrow and the next day, and the day after that.
heart: and how long will you be thinking of that "right" kind of happiness? what if it never comes? won't you allow our master to be happy even for just a short time? would you choose that over not being happy at all? what if that happiness is the "right" happiness? have you thought of that?
mind: how will that be the "right" happiness. everything around it says otherwise.
heart: how would you know if its "otherwise"
mind: i just know! based on what i see right now, i know its not the happiness our master deserves.
heart: so you'll just let master sulk, trying to find that happiness you're saying? let her drown in tears thinking that she'll never ever find that happiness?
mind: (sighs) i didn't say that. what i'm trying to say is that, i just want our master to find the happiness that she deserves. one that will last. one that will not just be there for a brief moment. one that will our master's happiness forever.
heart: but what if that never comes???
mind: it will come.. it always comes...
heart: won't you try to find out if the happiness she has right now is the happiness she deserves?
mind: i told you its not the one
heart: but how do you know?
mind: because everything around tells me its not!!!
heart: why doesn't it tell me?
mind: you're just not listening.
heart: i don't hear anything...
mind: (sighs)
heart: what??
mind: nothing!
(mind stay silent for a few moments)
heart: does your silence mean you're accept what i'm saying
mind: whatever...
heart: common!!
mind: what??
heart: shall we tell our master now? tell her to continue with what makes her happy now?
mind: no
heart: then what??
mind: nothing. i'm still against it.
heart: then what do you want us to do?
mind: tell her to find her true happiness, and not go with the one she has right now
heart: but what if she never finds that happiness???
mind: we're going in circles
heart: you're going in circles
mind: ok! go! do what you want to do. but don't blame me if our master sheds tears again. i told you now what we have to do. remember that this is your idea, not mine.
heart: good! (smiles in triumph) let's go!
mind: (whispers) whatever...

if only you smiled

the world
could have been brighter
the day
could have been better
if only you smiled

my burden
could have been lighter
my pain
could have been lesser
my woes
could not have stayed
my sorrows
could not have been worse
if only you smiled

i could have been in joy
i could have had happiness
my tears
would not have shed
my life
could not have broken down
if only you smiled

always here for you friend

why do you have to hurt yourself?
why do you have to let it happen?
you know it causes you pain
yet you let it just come through

i know it makes you smile
i know it brings you joy
i can see happiness in your eyes
i can see peace in your mind

but i know you know
i know that you're aware
i know you perfectly know
that that joy's just temporary

don't you ever get tired
don't you ever get bored
of bringing tears in your eyes
of causing sorrow to your heart

you're a good listener
you're good at taking advice
that's what i knew at first
that's what i always thought about

but somehow i think i'm wrong
now i think i'm mistaken
a simple advice you can't take
a simple "no" you can't follow

but i do understand
i do know from experience
i've been through that before
i was like that back then

it's hard to let go of something
it's difficult to lose hold
when you know it makes you smile
and know its your happiness

i just hope you realize
i wish you put it in your mind
others like me want you happy
friends like me hate to see you cry

that explains the reason why
even if we know it hurts you
we still let you do as you wish
let you do whatever you do

we know it makes you happy
even if its just momentarily
we know you enjoy it
we know you like the feeling

just try to be careful
don't let it hurt you fully
we'll surely hate to see you cry
we won't like it a bit if you're sad

but just the same as before
we'll still be here for you
though sometimes you're a hard head
we'll still be friends to you

drifting away, i'm not

i sat
wondered
why you think
i'm drifting away
i pondered
why
you'd think
i'm forgetting
is it
because
of less time
is it
because
i talk less often
i'm sorry
i'm just
enjoying
my time
spending it
playing
with my happiness
time apart
does not
mean
i'm putting
myself
away from
what
my best treasures are
it's just
that
there's been
less opportunity
to show
that
i'm still there
i'm always there
some things
can't be
just put there
at any instant
some things
need to be
straightened up
first
in order
for them
to run smoothly
to go along
without any
problems
again
i'm not
drifting away
i'm just here
i'm always here
near your hearts
maybe not in
presence
but in spirit
in my heart

the year that is, and the year that was

another year, another time to think of what god has in store for us for the whole year. time also to formulate the infamous "new year's resolution".

before i go on to the new year, i just want to look back at the year i'll be leaving behind. 2004 has not been one that i can call a good year. i started the year without a job, and stayed jobless for four months (four long months). i mostly enjoyed those four months giving my body some rest (i only had a one month rest after college graduation, i started working already one month after graduating, it actually is the longest vacation i had since i started attending school). those four months i spent at home, i used to do whatever it is i wasn't able to do when i was working. i did some catching up with some friends from college. it just so happened that there were three of us then that were jobless, so we mostly spent time catching up with each other's lives.
that four months also brought a relationship i was in, to an end. its sad but, i don't regret the decision. i've thought about it before deciding on breaking up with her. i was just guilty doing it a day before valentine's day (bad!).
i finally had a job on May. but it was just a project based/contractual job. and it was with the same company that terminated us the previous year (geezzz!! i need the money... so what!??). so i was tied up with a 3 month contract, or so i believed... when i recieved the contract, it was stated there that i'll be signed for 6 months. i wasn't able to do anything. i need the job. so there i was again, working again for the company that turned their back to me. it was ok. i needed the money. badly.
my first month's stay with the company had me doing the same things i did when i was still a regular employee. the job assignment was different with my agreement with my employer/contractor.. but it was ok. i needed the job. and the money. eventually, i was re-assigned to another project, a better project, the one i agreed to be assigned to. thank god. i couldn't stand going to Laguna everyday anymore. thank god!
my contract was til november, but it was extended until november. that is even if i'm not doing much at work. i was almost lucky though, since i almost flew to the US for business meetings with our client. almost. i even had my visa approved already. all i needed was a plane ticket and a go signal to go there. but at the last minute, our meetings were postponed, oh cancelled, since the module i'm working in was scrapped. there goes my chance to set foot in another country. (insert sigh smiley here). but it's ok, maybe its just not the time for me. maybe there's another time. maybe. some day. (insert sigh smiley here).
but one thing i won't forget about 2004 is the last two months. it was when i found out that i could still love again (insert grin smiley here). i met her at the office. actually i know her already since i first started working for the company (2001). but 2004 gave us a chance to be close with each other, and eventually be together.
there are some other notable things that happened. most notable was the lose of a loved one, and a friend. my grandmother died on october, she died of old age. and a barkada(Jerry) died of cancer on december.
so, looking back again, i can say that 2004 wasn't that bad after all. i just had some things i wanted to do and accomplish but wasn't able to do so. but on the bright side, i gained some things i didn't expect getting at the start of the year. not good, but not that bad after all.
and so that was the year 2004 for me.

going to the new year, 2005.

i can't say i'm not expecting much. in fact, i'm planning a lot. the only thing i'm hoping for is that i live to what i plan on accomplishing this year. i've read that the year of the rooster doesn't promise much in terms of progress. i hope this would not be true for all people. i have so much in mind this year, that i don't want anything to hinder me from getting everything i want to have this year. i have to work for them. i have to work hard to be able to accomplish what i want to. that's why i think i should look at my life in a different perspective this year in order to be more focused in what i want to do. i have to forget some things in order for my mind to process other things that need to be thought of more. things that should have been thought of a couple of years back. this year therefore would be the best time to think about them better, for if i don't start now, i might be too late thinking about them a couple of years from now. so, its clear what i need to do this year, start thinking of the future more, lessen the times i enjoy only the moments in front of me. i must think not only of tomorrow, but also of the weeks, months, and years to come. time's not a friend when it comes to accomplishing things. it always leaves you behind whenever you just sit back and watch it pass by. this year, i become a better person, a better individual, a better son, a better citizen, a better loved one. this year, i'll do it all, i'll work hard to fulfill my dreams. this year, i'll lay a definite path i'll follow, i'll start building my future. this year, i'll start them all. this year, i will.