I told myself i'll write about my stay in Cebu for a vacation. It was supposed to be the perfect time for me and for my girl to be alone, and away from any distraction. It was a time we were supposed to enjoy together, alone with each other.
It went out fine. We were alone in a little world we imagined our own. We find the time together as a preview of the times we plan to spend with each other in the near future. We enjoyed it. We walked. We talked. We laughed. We lied in each other's arms.
And then. Boom! One wrong move, one small slip, wasted it all. I lost my sense of remembering. I had i touch of insensitivity. I fumbled. I made a mistake. A mistake that almost cost me my girl. It made an almost unforgettable experience a very forgetful one.
We still enjoyed the remainder of our stay there. But it was clear there where unspoken words and undeniably hurt feelings. The mistake i made proved costly. It made a gap between me and my girl that will take time to bridge again.
Now i'm trying to patch things up. I'm trying to make up for the mistake i made. I'm trying to mend wounded feelings. I'm trying to bring back lost emotions. I'm carrying this burden on my back. It was my fault anyway.
There it goes... I told my self i'll write about our stay in Cebu. But stopped myself because of what happened. And still, i wrote about it... Makulit ako, wala akong magagawa.. :-P
Wednesday, February 23, 2005
a sigh of relief
you can sleep now child
take the rest you deserve
everything will be fine now
it just takes a while to adjust
it will be back to where it was
you need not worry nor be in doubt
just sleep now my child
and everything will work out right
stay strong, stay fighting
though the turmoil's over
there'll still be confusion about
don't fear, don't give up
be optimistic my child
soon everything will be alright
don't change; remain who you are
nothing's wrong with you
even if you brought yourself to this mess
yourself's still not to blame
it's just a test, a trial
to know yourself, how strong you are
how determined you are
in your endeavor, in where you are right now
keep your head up my child
you're good, you'll be alright
don't lose hope;
don't lose your confidence
that's the thing you need now
remain hoping, remain wishing
but work for them, in order to have them
do what you can, do your best
to finally get hold
of the thing you wish, the thing you hope for
work hard my child
you'll have what you want in no time...
sleep now child
and wake up to a brand new start...
take the rest you deserve
everything will be fine now
it just takes a while to adjust
it will be back to where it was
you need not worry nor be in doubt
just sleep now my child
and everything will work out right
stay strong, stay fighting
though the turmoil's over
there'll still be confusion about
don't fear, don't give up
be optimistic my child
soon everything will be alright
don't change; remain who you are
nothing's wrong with you
even if you brought yourself to this mess
yourself's still not to blame
it's just a test, a trial
to know yourself, how strong you are
how determined you are
in your endeavor, in where you are right now
keep your head up my child
you're good, you'll be alright
don't lose hope;
don't lose your confidence
that's the thing you need now
remain hoping, remain wishing
but work for them, in order to have them
do what you can, do your best
to finally get hold
of the thing you wish, the thing you hope for
work hard my child
you'll have what you want in no time...
sleep now child
and wake up to a brand new start...
Tuesday, February 22, 2005
falling into a pit
i was so scared
i have no idea what to do
or how to escape this
i know its because of me
i know its from my own doing
i dug myself a hole
a hole, though easy to escape
will remain a hole
left there waiting
for even a little wrong move i make
ready to trap me in it
with no escape
with no getting out of
it will forever be there
a black spot
in a seemingly perfect surrounding
one bad step
and i'll fall to that pit again
i know
i have to rid my life of that hole
but i also know
that it would be near impossible
i just hope i can be somewhere
some place far away from it
to avoid it
to escape the fact that
i can still fall into it
i should be cautious
i should guard every step i take
i should not be care-free in what i do
i should always be at-guard against myself
this place could be filled with dark spots
but i'll do my best
to make the clean spots stand out
the hole would remain there
forever reminding me how i dug it
how i made it
it will always be there telling me
that though i think everything's okay
there's still that remote possibility
that i will once again step through it
making the same wrong step
and once again trap me in there
but now without escape
i have no idea what to do
or how to escape this
i know its because of me
i know its from my own doing
i dug myself a hole
a hole, though easy to escape
will remain a hole
left there waiting
for even a little wrong move i make
ready to trap me in it
with no escape
with no getting out of
it will forever be there
a black spot
in a seemingly perfect surrounding
one bad step
and i'll fall to that pit again
i know
i have to rid my life of that hole
but i also know
that it would be near impossible
i just hope i can be somewhere
some place far away from it
to avoid it
to escape the fact that
i can still fall into it
i should be cautious
i should guard every step i take
i should not be care-free in what i do
i should always be at-guard against myself
this place could be filled with dark spots
but i'll do my best
to make the clean spots stand out
the hole would remain there
forever reminding me how i dug it
how i made it
it will always be there telling me
that though i think everything's okay
there's still that remote possibility
that i will once again step through it
making the same wrong step
and once again trap me in there
but now without escape
Finger Eleven - One Thing
Restless tonight
Cause I wasted the light
Between both these times
I drew a really thin line
It�s nothing I planned
And not that I can
But you should be mine
Across that line
[Chorus:]
If I traded it all
If I gave it all away for one thing
Just for one thing
If I sorted it out
If I knew all about this one thing
Wouldn�t that be something
I promise I might
Not walk on by
Maybe next time
But not this time
Even though I know
I don�t want to know
Yeah I guess I know
I just hate how it sounds
[Chorus x2]
Even though I know
I don�t want to know
Yeah I guess I know
I just hate how it sounds
Even though I know
I don�t want to know
Yeah I guess I know
I just hate how it sounds
[Chorus x3]
Monday, February 21, 2005
a wish of happiness
i wish i could turn the world around
and correct the things in the past
that i think should not have happened
i wish i could go back in time
and fix everything then
that has messed up
what could have been
perfect times for me
and for everybody
i wish i could change the way people feel
take undesired feelings from them
let them feel only those they want to feel
let them see what they want to see
i wish i could tell them things
that they wish only to hear
change the events in the past
that they want only to happen
i wish i could be in the place
of those people hurting
so that i could be the one to carry the burden
i wish i could take that feeling from them
so they can escape the hardship they're in
i wish i could control how they feel
so i can take the negative feelings away
and let them feel only the good ones
i wish i could touch their hearts
give them strength to face their fears
to give them courage to fight their foes
i wish i could inspire them
let them see what's right
let them find out the best thing to do
lead them to where they should be
i wish i was everything
i'll fix the world up
grant everybody happiness
take the sadness and longing from everyone
remove their fears
put a smile on their faces
warm their hearts
and clear their minds
i wish i could do this all
wish for everyone's happiness
and wish for everyone's success
and correct the things in the past
that i think should not have happened
i wish i could go back in time
and fix everything then
that has messed up
what could have been
perfect times for me
and for everybody
i wish i could change the way people feel
take undesired feelings from them
let them feel only those they want to feel
let them see what they want to see
i wish i could tell them things
that they wish only to hear
change the events in the past
that they want only to happen
i wish i could be in the place
of those people hurting
so that i could be the one to carry the burden
i wish i could take that feeling from them
so they can escape the hardship they're in
i wish i could control how they feel
so i can take the negative feelings away
and let them feel only the good ones
i wish i could touch their hearts
give them strength to face their fears
to give them courage to fight their foes
i wish i could inspire them
let them see what's right
let them find out the best thing to do
lead them to where they should be
i wish i was everything
i'll fix the world up
grant everybody happiness
take the sadness and longing from everyone
remove their fears
put a smile on their faces
warm their hearts
and clear their minds
i wish i could do this all
wish for everyone's happiness
and wish for everyone's success
Thursday, February 17, 2005
VIVA MAPUA
For most of us, though we were not active loyalists to our schools back when we're still studying, it would still affect us in some way when we hear something about our alma mater. When our school wins a championship in an inter-school competition, or when a graduate tops a licensure exam, or if there's a breakthrough discovered by an alumni, we somehow become proud still that our school is still well known and still producing quality students and graduates. We become proud of the legacy and honor our school carries throughout the years. The same way when there are undesirable news about our school, we become saddened even humiliated sometimes if ever we hear any.
Such is the case right now with my school, my college, my alma mater. Recent events has brought down some of the schools glory. But the most recent one had the most effect on students, alumni and even the faculty.
Mapua institute of Technology has been known as the engineering school of the country. When somebody hears that you study or came from the school, you can raise your head up high because of the respect they give you when they find out that you're a "MAPUAN". The name of the school carries with it a certain pride because of the reputation it has carried in the years that it has produced well known engineers. That's why carrying the name "MAPUAN" means so much to its citizens.
Its sad to find out that, because of a change of administration. Things had to be changed in drastic ways. The switch from bi-mestral to quartermestral was one of the most notable change, as well as the dropping of the college's high school campus. And now, they're promoting the school to university status. Things could have been good for all mapua citizens but along with the change to university status, is the need to give the new and larger body with a new name. MALAYAN UNIVERSITY. Yup. MALAYAN UNIVERSITY. It will be composed of three colleges, one of which is the "original" Mapua, the college of engineering and architecture. The other two are related i think to nursing and psychology. So this means that the Mapua we know will just be a part of the university-to-be.
This change was the one that irked the mapua citizens the most. They felt that they're losing the legacy that the name "MAPUA" carries. I agree with the feeling of most of the Mapuans out there. Though they'll still give the name Mapua to the college of engineering and architecture, it can't be denied that "MAPUA" will lose some of its identity, since it will just be a name, unlike before when the name implies the whole institution.
This has brought the mapuans to unite against the pending change. Students, alumni and faculty members stood united in the middle of what can be said as a crisis. Protest movements were organized in order to voice out the feelings of the mapua citizens. This, as i recall, is the first time that such movements were organized by mapuans. This just proves that mapuans do love the institution established by the late Don Tomas Mapua. They have stood in a fight to prevent the legacy of Mapua from being lost.
I do hope that the admin heard the cause of the mapuans that cried out during the protests. I, myself, refuse to be called a graduate of MALAYAN UNIVERSITY, to be called a MALAY, MALAYAN, or whatever it is they want us to be called. I did not sweat 5 yrs worth of blood just to lose the name i achieved in my stay there in that school. I'm proud of being a MAPUAN. And whatever happens, i'll still carry that name with me.
Such is the case right now with my school, my college, my alma mater. Recent events has brought down some of the schools glory. But the most recent one had the most effect on students, alumni and even the faculty.
Mapua institute of Technology has been known as the engineering school of the country. When somebody hears that you study or came from the school, you can raise your head up high because of the respect they give you when they find out that you're a "MAPUAN". The name of the school carries with it a certain pride because of the reputation it has carried in the years that it has produced well known engineers. That's why carrying the name "MAPUAN" means so much to its citizens.
Its sad to find out that, because of a change of administration. Things had to be changed in drastic ways. The switch from bi-mestral to quartermestral was one of the most notable change, as well as the dropping of the college's high school campus. And now, they're promoting the school to university status. Things could have been good for all mapua citizens but along with the change to university status, is the need to give the new and larger body with a new name. MALAYAN UNIVERSITY. Yup. MALAYAN UNIVERSITY. It will be composed of three colleges, one of which is the "original" Mapua, the college of engineering and architecture. The other two are related i think to nursing and psychology. So this means that the Mapua we know will just be a part of the university-to-be.
This change was the one that irked the mapua citizens the most. They felt that they're losing the legacy that the name "MAPUA" carries. I agree with the feeling of most of the Mapuans out there. Though they'll still give the name Mapua to the college of engineering and architecture, it can't be denied that "MAPUA" will lose some of its identity, since it will just be a name, unlike before when the name implies the whole institution.
This has brought the mapuans to unite against the pending change. Students, alumni and faculty members stood united in the middle of what can be said as a crisis. Protest movements were organized in order to voice out the feelings of the mapua citizens. This, as i recall, is the first time that such movements were organized by mapuans. This just proves that mapuans do love the institution established by the late Don Tomas Mapua. They have stood in a fight to prevent the legacy of Mapua from being lost.
I do hope that the admin heard the cause of the mapuans that cried out during the protests. I, myself, refuse to be called a graduate of MALAYAN UNIVERSITY, to be called a MALAY, MALAYAN, or whatever it is they want us to be called. I did not sweat 5 yrs worth of blood just to lose the name i achieved in my stay there in that school. I'm proud of being a MAPUAN. And whatever happens, i'll still carry that name with me.
Tuesday, February 15, 2005
a dark cloud on a sunny day
its dark outside
though the sun's up
it ain't shining bright
its like the rain
would just pour anytime
yet there's no sign
of dark clouds above
am i just dreaming
am i hallucinating
is my perception
deceiving me?
i can feel the darkness
though my eyes can't see it
my visions clear
but my mind is shadowed
do i run away
or do i face my fear
should i tolerate it?
or must i clear my mind
but whatever it is
things might not be
how i think of them to be
it just might be a deception
an interpretation
my thoughts are getting wrong
either way i'll just stand here
think of better feelings
look at brighter things
maybe this way
my mind could see things clearer
though the sun's up
it ain't shining bright
its like the rain
would just pour anytime
yet there's no sign
of dark clouds above
am i just dreaming
am i hallucinating
is my perception
deceiving me?
i can feel the darkness
though my eyes can't see it
my visions clear
but my mind is shadowed
do i run away
or do i face my fear
should i tolerate it?
or must i clear my mind
but whatever it is
things might not be
how i think of them to be
it just might be a deception
an interpretation
my thoughts are getting wrong
either way i'll just stand here
think of better feelings
look at brighter things
maybe this way
my mind could see things clearer
Friday, February 11, 2005
pangako ko sa yo
hindi ko napansin
tatlong buwan na pala kaming magkasama
parang kahapon lang
masungit pa kame sa isa't isa
pero ngayon tingnan mo
di na kami mapaghiwalay
nakakatuwa,
kasingbilis ng mga pangyayari
bago kme nagkasama
ang paglipas ng oras
na kasama namin ang isa't isa
hindi ko akalain
na magiging ganito kami
kalapit sa isa't isa
wala ding ibang taong nakapagsabi
na kaming dalawa
ay magkasama na pala
nakakatuwang isipin
totoo pala ang ilang sabi-sabi
na ang puso
hindi hinahanapan ng katuwang
ito'y kusang dumadating lang
sa oras na di mo inaasahan
masaya
dahil nga sa di inaasahan
lahat ay parang surpresa
kahit sa maliliit na bagay
natutuwa kayo sa isa' isa
hindi mo namamalayan
lumilipas na pala ang oras
na kayo'y nakaupo lang at nag-uusap
minsan kahit walang nagsasalita
nakangiti pa din kami
at masayang masaya
oo minsan may mga problema
pero balewala lahat
dahil kahit may hindi pagkakaunawaan
ang lahat ay aming napag-uusapan
kahit may konting tampo
kahit may ilang reklamo
hindi namin pinagtatagal ang mga ito
hindi namin dinadaan sa init ng ulo
walang tampo na pinapanatiling malabo
kaya ngayon nandito kami
magkasama pa din
at sa lahat ng bagay ay magkakampi
laking pagpapasalamat ko sa kanya
dahil, dahil sa kanya
natutunan ko ulit ang muling sumaya
pinakita nya ulit sa akin
kung ano ang pakiramdam
kapag alam mong
sa kahit anong oras
ika'y may tatakbuhan
ika'y may malalapitan
dahil sa kanya
puso ko'y muling naging maligaya
dahil alam ng puso ko
na hindi na ulit sya mag-iisa
habang-buhay na syang may kapiling at kasama
kaya't para sa yo
sa taong minamahal ko
alay ko sa yo ang puso ko
dahil ikaw ang nagbigay buhay muli dito
salamat sa yo,
mamahalin kita habangbuhay
yan ang pangako ko sa iyo
tatlong buwan na pala kaming magkasama
parang kahapon lang
masungit pa kame sa isa't isa
pero ngayon tingnan mo
di na kami mapaghiwalay
nakakatuwa,
kasingbilis ng mga pangyayari
bago kme nagkasama
ang paglipas ng oras
na kasama namin ang isa't isa
hindi ko akalain
na magiging ganito kami
kalapit sa isa't isa
wala ding ibang taong nakapagsabi
na kaming dalawa
ay magkasama na pala
nakakatuwang isipin
totoo pala ang ilang sabi-sabi
na ang puso
hindi hinahanapan ng katuwang
ito'y kusang dumadating lang
sa oras na di mo inaasahan
masaya
dahil nga sa di inaasahan
lahat ay parang surpresa
kahit sa maliliit na bagay
natutuwa kayo sa isa' isa
hindi mo namamalayan
lumilipas na pala ang oras
na kayo'y nakaupo lang at nag-uusap
minsan kahit walang nagsasalita
nakangiti pa din kami
at masayang masaya
oo minsan may mga problema
pero balewala lahat
dahil kahit may hindi pagkakaunawaan
ang lahat ay aming napag-uusapan
kahit may konting tampo
kahit may ilang reklamo
hindi namin pinagtatagal ang mga ito
hindi namin dinadaan sa init ng ulo
walang tampo na pinapanatiling malabo
kaya ngayon nandito kami
magkasama pa din
at sa lahat ng bagay ay magkakampi
laking pagpapasalamat ko sa kanya
dahil, dahil sa kanya
natutunan ko ulit ang muling sumaya
pinakita nya ulit sa akin
kung ano ang pakiramdam
kapag alam mong
sa kahit anong oras
ika'y may tatakbuhan
ika'y may malalapitan
dahil sa kanya
puso ko'y muling naging maligaya
dahil alam ng puso ko
na hindi na ulit sya mag-iisa
habang-buhay na syang may kapiling at kasama
kaya't para sa yo
sa taong minamahal ko
alay ko sa yo ang puso ko
dahil ikaw ang nagbigay buhay muli dito
salamat sa yo,
mamahalin kita habangbuhay
yan ang pangako ko sa iyo
Thursday, February 10, 2005
having you, having each other
we could just sit anywhere
we don't ever care
whether there's something
to talk about
or something to laugh about
just being with each other
is enough reason
to last the night
just staring at the skies
watching the light fade
waiting for the stars
to blossom in the night
we could just walk around
moving our feet aimlessly
wandering about
hand-in-hand
where we're going's not
important
just to walk side by side
have one in the other's arm
even if our feet burn
it doesn't matter
just as long as we walk together
with my arms and hand over your shoulder
it really doesn't matter
where we are
what we're up to
or how we deal with things
just as long as you're with me wherever i am
you're with me in whatever i do
nothing would really matter
just as long as we have each other
we don't ever care
whether there's something
to talk about
or something to laugh about
just being with each other
is enough reason
to last the night
just staring at the skies
watching the light fade
waiting for the stars
to blossom in the night
we could just walk around
moving our feet aimlessly
wandering about
hand-in-hand
where we're going's not
important
just to walk side by side
have one in the other's arm
even if our feet burn
it doesn't matter
just as long as we walk together
with my arms and hand over your shoulder
it really doesn't matter
where we are
what we're up to
or how we deal with things
just as long as you're with me wherever i am
you're with me in whatever i do
nothing would really matter
just as long as we have each other
Wednesday, February 09, 2005
who am i? i ask myself
i'm misunderstood
i don't know what it is i do
i can't understand why
though i try to be on the good side
its the other side that shows
is it me?
is it what i do?
is it something heard from me?
i don't know
i think i have to search myself
there might be something wrong with me
but what i'm aware of,
i can't see anything wrong
in what i do
i was always like this
maybe not all the time
but this is me
i always try to open myself up
and show what i really am
maybe its not enough
maybe i still need to open up more
maybe that way
i can be understood better
maybe that way
i can be known more
and in that way
my bright side could be seen
despite the dark spots
that sometimes cloud in front of me
i don't know what it is i do
i can't understand why
though i try to be on the good side
its the other side that shows
is it me?
is it what i do?
is it something heard from me?
i don't know
i think i have to search myself
there might be something wrong with me
but what i'm aware of,
i can't see anything wrong
in what i do
i was always like this
maybe not all the time
but this is me
i always try to open myself up
and show what i really am
maybe its not enough
maybe i still need to open up more
maybe that way
i can be understood better
maybe that way
i can be known more
and in that way
my bright side could be seen
despite the dark spots
that sometimes cloud in front of me
Tuesday, February 08, 2005
tuesdays with morrie
after several months of hearing about this book, i finally had time to read it. it was a highly recommended book. so when i had the chance to read it, i didn't pass on it.
the book was about Morrie, a professor who's dying of ALS, and Mitch, one of his students and the writer of the book. the book told the story of what the Morrie described as their last thesis. morrie and mitch talked about one important part of our life, searching for its meaning, looking for the reason of our existence in this world. mitch taught morrie a lot of things about life which he only realized when he knew he was dying. he passed this on to mitch, who patiently stayed by his side, every tuesday, spending his time in the last days of his professor.
i found the book very enlightening. but at the same time, you feel sadness both from knowing that the person the book talks about is dying, and knowing that what he talked about are facts of our lives that we don't get to think about everyday. every word, every "lesson" given by morrie to mitch, are things we have to keep in mind while we are still living. morrie's "aphorisms" are the answers to our quest for the meaning of our life.
i'm sure everyone who read the book would be moved by morrie's story. you would admire how he faced the remaining days of his life. you'll admire how he faced death. most of us would be too afraid and depressed knowing that you could be taking your last breath anytime. but not morrie. he took his remaining breaths as a way to discover what life is, his purpose of existence. in this way, he overcame the fear of dying and the feeling of loss. he did not let the thought of dying to hinder his mind from recognizing the beauty of life. and the best thing he did is to share his thoughts to mitch, his student and friend.
here are some of the thoughts morrie gave to mitch during their tuesday sessions:
1. the most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and to let it come in. "Love is the only rational act"
2. once you learn how to die, you learn how to live
3. love each other, or perish
4. learn to detach. allow yourself to dive into your emotions and grief, and when you experience them fully and completely, you'll know what pain is, you'll know what love is, you'll know what grief is. only then can you say that you've experienced that emotion, you recognize that emotion, it's time to detach yourself from that emotion.
5. devote yourself to loving others. devote yourself to your community around you, and devote yourself to creatingsomething that gives you meaning and purpose.
6. each night when i go to sleep i die. and the next morning, when i wake up, i am reborn (mahatma gandhi)
7. love is how you stay alive
8. don't let go too soon, but don't hang on too long
9. forgive yourselves before you die, then forgive others.
10. death ends a life, not a relationship
11. you're not a wave, you're part of the ocean
the book was about Morrie, a professor who's dying of ALS, and Mitch, one of his students and the writer of the book. the book told the story of what the Morrie described as their last thesis. morrie and mitch talked about one important part of our life, searching for its meaning, looking for the reason of our existence in this world. mitch taught morrie a lot of things about life which he only realized when he knew he was dying. he passed this on to mitch, who patiently stayed by his side, every tuesday, spending his time in the last days of his professor.
i found the book very enlightening. but at the same time, you feel sadness both from knowing that the person the book talks about is dying, and knowing that what he talked about are facts of our lives that we don't get to think about everyday. every word, every "lesson" given by morrie to mitch, are things we have to keep in mind while we are still living. morrie's "aphorisms" are the answers to our quest for the meaning of our life.
i'm sure everyone who read the book would be moved by morrie's story. you would admire how he faced the remaining days of his life. you'll admire how he faced death. most of us would be too afraid and depressed knowing that you could be taking your last breath anytime. but not morrie. he took his remaining breaths as a way to discover what life is, his purpose of existence. in this way, he overcame the fear of dying and the feeling of loss. he did not let the thought of dying to hinder his mind from recognizing the beauty of life. and the best thing he did is to share his thoughts to mitch, his student and friend.
here are some of the thoughts morrie gave to mitch during their tuesday sessions:
1. the most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and to let it come in. "Love is the only rational act"
2. once you learn how to die, you learn how to live
3. love each other, or perish
4. learn to detach. allow yourself to dive into your emotions and grief, and when you experience them fully and completely, you'll know what pain is, you'll know what love is, you'll know what grief is. only then can you say that you've experienced that emotion, you recognize that emotion, it's time to detach yourself from that emotion.
5. devote yourself to loving others. devote yourself to your community around you, and devote yourself to creatingsomething that gives you meaning and purpose.
6. each night when i go to sleep i die. and the next morning, when i wake up, i am reborn (mahatma gandhi)
7. love is how you stay alive
8. don't let go too soon, but don't hang on too long
9. forgive yourselves before you die, then forgive others.
10. death ends a life, not a relationship
11. you're not a wave, you're part of the ocean
Monday, February 07, 2005
i finally found my dream
i finally found
what i've been looking for
i've been searching
all my life
for the thing that
could complete my life
i finally found
what my heart's searching for
the emptiness seemed
to last a lifetime
but now it has come to an end
i finally found
what would complete my life
all the while
i felt something is missing
from my life that's continually searching
i finally found
what i've dreamed about for so long
i thought it would just be a fantasy
i never thought that that dream
would become a reality
i finally found
what i call my true happiness
the thing that could make me smile
laugh and cheer all day
i finally found
the thing that i've always wanted
and now that i have it
i won't ever let go
for i will cherish that one thing
keep it to my heart
til forever's gone
coz it's only once
in your lifetime
that you get to meet
what you've always dreamed of
what you've always searched for
what you've always wished you have
it's only once in your life
that you meet
your true happiness
your life's fulfillment
your heart's perfect complement
what i've been looking for
i've been searching
all my life
for the thing that
could complete my life
i finally found
what my heart's searching for
the emptiness seemed
to last a lifetime
but now it has come to an end
i finally found
what would complete my life
all the while
i felt something is missing
from my life that's continually searching
i finally found
what i've dreamed about for so long
i thought it would just be a fantasy
i never thought that that dream
would become a reality
i finally found
what i call my true happiness
the thing that could make me smile
laugh and cheer all day
i finally found
the thing that i've always wanted
and now that i have it
i won't ever let go
for i will cherish that one thing
keep it to my heart
til forever's gone
coz it's only once
in your lifetime
that you get to meet
what you've always dreamed of
what you've always searched for
what you've always wished you have
it's only once in your life
that you meet
your true happiness
your life's fulfillment
your heart's perfect complement
Friday, February 04, 2005
muling pagkikita
BRO: oi tol!!!
TOL: bro!! kamusta!!
BRO: ano na bang balita tol!! pucha! wala kang pinagbago ha!
TOL: hehehehehe... ikaw din bro... pero mukhang mas lumapad yang noo mo ha! hahahahahaha
BRO: tarantado ka pa din hayup ka!
TOL: O ano pala ang ginagawa mo dito?
BRO: May hinihintay lang ako tol. Ikaw? Bakit naligaw ka dito?
TOL: Ewan ko nga eh. Di ko alam kung bakit ako nandito!
BRO: Gago! Bakit nga? May hinihintay ka din no! Sino? GF mo? Naaaaakkksss!
TOL: Hehehehehhe... hindi ko GF bro.. wish ko lang. hehehehehe
BRO: nax! in love ang tol ko!! hahahahahahaha
TOL: oi hinde ha!
BRO: namu! kilala kita! wag ka na magtago sa akin... parang di tayo nagkasama ng labinglimang taon ha!!
TOL: hahahahahahahaha
BRO: o ano?? tatawa tawa ka dyan! kwento ka! dali! tutal, mukhang matagal pa ang iintayin natin.
TOL: hehehehehe
BRO: pucha naman o panay tawa nito eh
TOL: eh gusto ko tumawa eh.
BRO: bilis! kwento mo na! sino ba ung girl? kilala ko ba?
TOL: malamang hindi mo kilala. ikaw pala? may GF ka na ba? o torpe ka pa din hanggang ngayon.
BRO: loko wag mo ibahin usapan. at excuse me. di na ko torpe ngayon... may GF na ko.
TOL: naks! kelang pa kayo? teka tagal na pala natin hindi nagkita no! mahigit isang taon na!
BRO: hehehehe oo nga eh... teka... ako na tinatanong mo eh... ako nagtatanong sa yo... ano? kwento! gf mo ba ung hinihintay mo ngayon?
TOL: ang kulit mo! sabing hindi nga eh...
BRO: nililigawan mo?
TOL: hhhmmmmm... hindi din... hindi pa... hehehehehehe
BRO: o eh bat hindi mo pa ligawan?
TOL: may sabit eh...
BRO: anong may sabit?
TOL: may BF sya bro eh.
BRO: un lang! pero ok lang un! pede pa yan... hindi pa naman mag-asawa eh... hehehehehe
TOL: walanghiya ka talaga kahit kelan...
BRO: pero teka... eh bat kayo magkikita?
TOL: wala lang... magkita daw kme eh... kelangan ng kausap...
BRO: hehehehehe... baka type ka...
TOL: hindi no!! hihintayin din kse nya bf nya eh... kaya habang hintayin nya bf nya, usap daw kame... ewan kung ano isusumbong...
BRO: san mo sya nakilala?
TOL: naka-chat ko...
BRO: chat? naks! nagcchat ka pala! heheheh
TOL: hindi ako probinsyano tulad mo no!
BRO: gago! o tapos.. lagi kayo magkausap sa chat?
TOL: hindi naman... malimit lang
BRO: eh ganun na din un no!
TOL: medyo nakasundo ko kase eh... sarap nyang kausap... daming kwento...
BRO: ano maganda ba? sexy ba?
TOL: first time namin magmeet ngayon bro... panay sa webcam lang ang usap namin... mga 3 weeks pa lang kse me magkakilala eh.. pero halos araw araw kme magkausap.
BRO: nax! cyber!!
TOL: hahahahaha gago! pero ok sya... maputi, di ganong maganda, pero may dating... girl na girl ang itsura nya...
BRO: naks! pucha, pakilala mo ko pare...
TOL: gago agawan mo pa ko! hahahaha... tsaka balato mo na sa akin to! may gf ka na eh
BRO: loko! bawal bang tumingin sa iba pag may gf? tingin lang naman ah... friendly friend lang ang motive ko... para makilatis ko kung bagay sa yo o hindi
TOL: hahahahahaha
BRO: eh ano naman pag-uusapan nyo?? eh sabi mo araw-araw na kayo magkausap.
TOL: wala lang... tungkol daw sa kanila ng bf nya.
BRO: ahahaha.. sumbungan ka... hahahaha
TOL: hindi naman... kaya lang... nalulungkot daw kse sya... parang tingin ko hindi sya masaya sa bf nya...
BRO: ah ganun ba? eh di pagkakataon mo na!
TOL: ehehehehe... di ako oportunista tulad mo!
BRO: sus! kunwari ka pa! eh yun naman ang motibo mo! hahahaha
TOL: oi hinde ah... konti lang... hehehehehe
BRO: kita mo! pucha kelangan makilala ko yan tol!
TOL: ikaw... kung mahihintay mo.
BRO: sana maunang dumating kesa sa gf ko.
TOL: sana mauna gf mo
BRO: namu! madamot ka talaga!
TOL: hahahahaha... pare ikaw? matanong ko? pano mo ba mapapasaya gf mo? tutal may gf ka na eh..
BRO: ha! bakit mo naman natanong?
TOL: eh kasi yan ang palagi nya sinasabi sa akin. hindi daw sya napapasaya ng bf nya.. di nya daw kse gano nararamdaman ung love ng bf nya
BRO: ah ok... lumalambot ka na pare ha
TOL: gago! ano? pano mo pinapasaya gf mo?
BRO: ako? lagi ko sya sinasabihan ng i love you. lagi ko sya tinatawagan. lagi ko sya binibigyan ng regalo.
TOL: tapos...
BRO: tapos?
TOL: dali sagot! para alam ko kung ano isasagot ko sa kanya mamaya.. kase malamang yan ang topic namin eh... kse nalulungkot daw sya.. ewan... may ineexpect daw kse sya sa bf nya na hindi naibigay...
BRO: ewan! basta ako alam ko masaya naman kme ng bf ko... lagi kong sinusunod ang gusto nya.. ngayon nga magkikita kme... matagal-tagal na kse kmeng hindi nakakalabas eh... lagi kmeng busy palagi sa trabaho...
TOL: ah ganun ba? pero masaya pa din kayo?
BRO: oo naman!
TOL: ok...
BRO: pare wag ka kabahan! mukha kang kinakabahan eh..
TOL: ehehehehe... hindi naman
BRO: relax ka lang pare... masyado kang obyus eh.. type na type mo sya no
TOL: ehehehehehe... medyo... basta... click kse kme pag magkachat eh... kaya nga looking forward ako ngayon, para malaman ko kung click pa din kme sa personal...
BRO: hoping ka tol!
TOL: hahahahaha.. hanggang dun nga lang...
BRO: malay mo naman.. sabi mo nga nagkakalabuan na sila ng bf nya
TOL: un nga eh... hehehehe... pero di alam ng bf nya ung nararamdman nya...
BRO: ay ganun?
TOL: un ang sabi nya... ayaw kse daw ng bf nya na may pinupuna sya sa kanya
BRO: aba eh gago pala ung bf nya eh...
TOL: heheheheheh... naiinis nga ako sa bf nya eh... parang taken for granted na sya... parang di alam kung ano ang mga gusto nya... ni hindi nya napapansin na malungkot ang gf nya! tama ba un!!??
BRO: tara! upakan natin... para masolo mo na!
TOL: hahahahahaha.. tadu ka talaga!!
BRO: taena... ayus sa kwentuhan natin ha! lablyp agad! para tayong hindi isang taong di nagkita eh
TOL: hahahaha.. oo nga eh... taena ka kase... tsismoso ka masyado...
BRO: gagu.. ikaw din naman eh... sa yo ko nahawa
TOL: basta pre wag ka na lang magulo mamaya ha.
BRO: sure pare...
TOL: pre behave.. yan na ata sya.
BRO: hahahahahaha... eto ngtext gf ko, padating na daw sya may dadaanan lang daw sya saglit
TOL: ayus... sabay pa dumating..
BRO: sige tatalikod lang ako... pakilala mo ako hayup ka!
TOL: sure pare!
BRO: hehehehehehe
TOL: bro.. nga pala si Cutie.. sya ung kinukwento ko sa yo kanina na ka-meet ko na chatmate ko...
BRO: SWEETHEART!!???
TOL: bro!! kamusta!!
BRO: ano na bang balita tol!! pucha! wala kang pinagbago ha!
TOL: hehehehehe... ikaw din bro... pero mukhang mas lumapad yang noo mo ha! hahahahahaha
BRO: tarantado ka pa din hayup ka!
TOL: O ano pala ang ginagawa mo dito?
BRO: May hinihintay lang ako tol. Ikaw? Bakit naligaw ka dito?
TOL: Ewan ko nga eh. Di ko alam kung bakit ako nandito!
BRO: Gago! Bakit nga? May hinihintay ka din no! Sino? GF mo? Naaaaakkksss!
TOL: Hehehehehhe... hindi ko GF bro.. wish ko lang. hehehehehe
BRO: nax! in love ang tol ko!! hahahahahahaha
TOL: oi hinde ha!
BRO: namu! kilala kita! wag ka na magtago sa akin... parang di tayo nagkasama ng labinglimang taon ha!!
TOL: hahahahahahahaha
BRO: o ano?? tatawa tawa ka dyan! kwento ka! dali! tutal, mukhang matagal pa ang iintayin natin.
TOL: hehehehehe
BRO: pucha naman o panay tawa nito eh
TOL: eh gusto ko tumawa eh.
BRO: bilis! kwento mo na! sino ba ung girl? kilala ko ba?
TOL: malamang hindi mo kilala. ikaw pala? may GF ka na ba? o torpe ka pa din hanggang ngayon.
BRO: loko wag mo ibahin usapan. at excuse me. di na ko torpe ngayon... may GF na ko.
TOL: naks! kelang pa kayo? teka tagal na pala natin hindi nagkita no! mahigit isang taon na!
BRO: hehehehe oo nga eh... teka... ako na tinatanong mo eh... ako nagtatanong sa yo... ano? kwento! gf mo ba ung hinihintay mo ngayon?
TOL: ang kulit mo! sabing hindi nga eh...
BRO: nililigawan mo?
TOL: hhhmmmmm... hindi din... hindi pa... hehehehehehe
BRO: o eh bat hindi mo pa ligawan?
TOL: may sabit eh...
BRO: anong may sabit?
TOL: may BF sya bro eh.
BRO: un lang! pero ok lang un! pede pa yan... hindi pa naman mag-asawa eh... hehehehehe
TOL: walanghiya ka talaga kahit kelan...
BRO: pero teka... eh bat kayo magkikita?
TOL: wala lang... magkita daw kme eh... kelangan ng kausap...
BRO: hehehehehe... baka type ka...
TOL: hindi no!! hihintayin din kse nya bf nya eh... kaya habang hintayin nya bf nya, usap daw kame... ewan kung ano isusumbong...
BRO: san mo sya nakilala?
TOL: naka-chat ko...
BRO: chat? naks! nagcchat ka pala! heheheh
TOL: hindi ako probinsyano tulad mo no!
BRO: gago! o tapos.. lagi kayo magkausap sa chat?
TOL: hindi naman... malimit lang
BRO: eh ganun na din un no!
TOL: medyo nakasundo ko kase eh... sarap nyang kausap... daming kwento...
BRO: ano maganda ba? sexy ba?
TOL: first time namin magmeet ngayon bro... panay sa webcam lang ang usap namin... mga 3 weeks pa lang kse me magkakilala eh.. pero halos araw araw kme magkausap.
BRO: nax! cyber!!
TOL: hahahahaha gago! pero ok sya... maputi, di ganong maganda, pero may dating... girl na girl ang itsura nya...
BRO: naks! pucha, pakilala mo ko pare...
TOL: gago agawan mo pa ko! hahahaha... tsaka balato mo na sa akin to! may gf ka na eh
BRO: loko! bawal bang tumingin sa iba pag may gf? tingin lang naman ah... friendly friend lang ang motive ko... para makilatis ko kung bagay sa yo o hindi
TOL: hahahahahaha
BRO: eh ano naman pag-uusapan nyo?? eh sabi mo araw-araw na kayo magkausap.
TOL: wala lang... tungkol daw sa kanila ng bf nya.
BRO: ahahaha.. sumbungan ka... hahahaha
TOL: hindi naman... kaya lang... nalulungkot daw kse sya... parang tingin ko hindi sya masaya sa bf nya...
BRO: ah ganun ba? eh di pagkakataon mo na!
TOL: ehehehehe... di ako oportunista tulad mo!
BRO: sus! kunwari ka pa! eh yun naman ang motibo mo! hahahaha
TOL: oi hinde ah... konti lang... hehehehehe
BRO: kita mo! pucha kelangan makilala ko yan tol!
TOL: ikaw... kung mahihintay mo.
BRO: sana maunang dumating kesa sa gf ko.
TOL: sana mauna gf mo
BRO: namu! madamot ka talaga!
TOL: hahahahaha... pare ikaw? matanong ko? pano mo ba mapapasaya gf mo? tutal may gf ka na eh..
BRO: ha! bakit mo naman natanong?
TOL: eh kasi yan ang palagi nya sinasabi sa akin. hindi daw sya napapasaya ng bf nya.. di nya daw kse gano nararamdaman ung love ng bf nya
BRO: ah ok... lumalambot ka na pare ha
TOL: gago! ano? pano mo pinapasaya gf mo?
BRO: ako? lagi ko sya sinasabihan ng i love you. lagi ko sya tinatawagan. lagi ko sya binibigyan ng regalo.
TOL: tapos...
BRO: tapos?
TOL: dali sagot! para alam ko kung ano isasagot ko sa kanya mamaya.. kase malamang yan ang topic namin eh... kse nalulungkot daw sya.. ewan... may ineexpect daw kse sya sa bf nya na hindi naibigay...
BRO: ewan! basta ako alam ko masaya naman kme ng bf ko... lagi kong sinusunod ang gusto nya.. ngayon nga magkikita kme... matagal-tagal na kse kmeng hindi nakakalabas eh... lagi kmeng busy palagi sa trabaho...
TOL: ah ganun ba? pero masaya pa din kayo?
BRO: oo naman!
TOL: ok...
BRO: pare wag ka kabahan! mukha kang kinakabahan eh..
TOL: ehehehehe... hindi naman
BRO: relax ka lang pare... masyado kang obyus eh.. type na type mo sya no
TOL: ehehehehehe... medyo... basta... click kse kme pag magkachat eh... kaya nga looking forward ako ngayon, para malaman ko kung click pa din kme sa personal...
BRO: hoping ka tol!
TOL: hahahahaha.. hanggang dun nga lang...
BRO: malay mo naman.. sabi mo nga nagkakalabuan na sila ng bf nya
TOL: un nga eh... hehehehe... pero di alam ng bf nya ung nararamdman nya...
BRO: ay ganun?
TOL: un ang sabi nya... ayaw kse daw ng bf nya na may pinupuna sya sa kanya
BRO: aba eh gago pala ung bf nya eh...
TOL: heheheheheh... naiinis nga ako sa bf nya eh... parang taken for granted na sya... parang di alam kung ano ang mga gusto nya... ni hindi nya napapansin na malungkot ang gf nya! tama ba un!!??
BRO: tara! upakan natin... para masolo mo na!
TOL: hahahahahaha.. tadu ka talaga!!
BRO: taena... ayus sa kwentuhan natin ha! lablyp agad! para tayong hindi isang taong di nagkita eh
TOL: hahahaha.. oo nga eh... taena ka kase... tsismoso ka masyado...
BRO: gagu.. ikaw din naman eh... sa yo ko nahawa
TOL: basta pre wag ka na lang magulo mamaya ha.
BRO: sure pare...
TOL: pre behave.. yan na ata sya.
BRO: hahahahahaha... eto ngtext gf ko, padating na daw sya may dadaanan lang daw sya saglit
TOL: ayus... sabay pa dumating..
BRO: sige tatalikod lang ako... pakilala mo ako hayup ka!
TOL: sure pare!
BRO: hehehehehehe
TOL: bro.. nga pala si Cutie.. sya ung kinukwento ko sa yo kanina na ka-meet ko na chatmate ko...
BRO: SWEETHEART!!???
Thursday, February 03, 2005
the dream... a reality...
I screamed. I shouted like i had never shouted before. I was too afraid. I was covered with fear. I sank to my knees. I felt tears run down my face. I buried my face in my hands. I closed my eyes. I just lay there crying. I sobbed continuously until i felt numb. Then everything was quiet. The only thing i hear is my heart weeping. Silence.
When i opened my eyes, i was in bed. Soaked in my on sweat. My bed sheets were down to my knees. Sunlight is peeking through the windows. Everything was bright. I was in my room, in my bed, with a pillow held tight to my body.
Realizing the time, i decided to get up. I went down on the right side of my bed. I got hold of my slippers. It was under my bed, where i always leave them before i sleep. I staggered with the my first step. My knees buckled, and i almost fell to the ground. Luckily, i was able to grab hold of my bedside table. I pulled myself up. I tried to stand up straight without falling. But my knees were so weak. They seem to fail supporting my body. I was able to stand, but the slightest movement would surely bring me down to the floor. I decided to sit down on my bed for a moment. Maybe my knees and legs just felt numb from sleep.
And then it struck me. I just had a dream. The visions of the dream started to flow back to my head. I remembered dreaming of a bad dream. A dream where i saw myself lifeless in my own bed. I felt a shiver run throught my body. I quickly looked back at my bed, just to check if i am still dreaming or if i am truly awake. Everything seemed to be perfectly normal. I let out a sigh of relief, but the thought of the dream still bothered me. I saw it clearly, its just like a past memory. Everything was so clear. My mom, my sister, my body in my bed. Everything seemed so real.
I started to think what the dream meant to me. It seemed that every part of the dream was real, except of course the part where i saw myself dead. I asked myself why the dream was like that. It felt like a premonition of things that might happen to me. The headache, the doctor's advice regarding the medicine given to me, everything are really happening to me. I became afraid again. What if it really happens to me? What if i'm going to die that way? What if the headaches i'm having right now will be the cause of my death? I was shaking with the thoughts i have in my head.
I remembered suddenly that i was scheduled to go to my doctor to get the results of the tests done to me. The tests were done to determine why my headache won't go away. I argued with my doctor that there's nothing wrong with me. That i'm just having these headaches because i've just been too stressed lately. But my doctor insisted that i undergo the tests. And today is the day that will prove my argument. This is just migraine. An unluckily bad case of migraine, that's all.
When i finally had the strength to stand up and walk, i went straight to the bathroom to wash my face. When i looked at the mirror, i saw blood in my nose. It wasn't a surprise for me. This was not the first time i woke up with blood on my nose. I guessed that its an effect of the headaches i'm having right now, just like the one i had to battle last night. And, just like in my dream.
I tried to get it out of my head. It couldn't be true. It must not be true. Dreams are just dreams. They don't have anything to do with reality. I laughed it off. I smiled with thought of it. I'm just scaring myself. I'm just making up stories in my head. I felt myself grinning. I felt stupid thinking the dream might be true. Nothing is wrong with me. Its just a headache, that's all. I smiled to myself, then started dressing up for the day. I fixed my bed and feeling a low grumble in my stomach, i started walking to the door. As i was going out, i stopped suddenly and looked back to stare at my bed. The vision of the dream popped in my head again. I looked back to my bed, just to make sure. I was not dreaming. I smiled. But deep inside, there's a different feeling. I was scared.
We were the first to arrive in the doctor's office. I'm with my mom. She insisted she go with me today. She has nothing to do at home, and instead of getting bored, she deciede to go with me. This is not an ordinary thing happening. I seldom go out with my mom. I argued that i could go alone. I was by myself when i went here for my first check-up, and the succeeding ones. I don't know why she she just thought of going with me today. I guessed, there would be no harm in that. And besides, we'll just be in the doctor's office for a short time. We'll just get the results, and be on our way home after that.
The secretary ushered us inside the doctor's room, telling us that the doctor's arrived, and is ready to meet us. We said thank you, then went to the room next to the secretary's table.
When i saw the doctor, i thought that he was in a bad mood. His eyes were sad. And he had that look of sympathy on his face. He was not usually like that. Our family have known him for several years now. And during that span of time, i rarely saw him have that look in his face. He was always smiling, fun and jolly. He would always welcome us with full enthusiasm and heartfelt warmth. But not today. Maybe he has a problem. Maybe it was just a bad day for him.
He offered us seats in front of his table. He also offered us juice drinks which he prepared himself. As we sat, he sank into his chair, letting out a long sigh. He sat there silent for a some time, while looking at me, and my mom, and then back to me. I can still remember the words he spoke then. Every word he said came as a shock to me. He started again with a sigh, and spoke the words that left my heart and mind in ruins.
"I'm sorry, i don't know how to tell you this.... Based from the results of the test, we found out what the cause of your headaches is. Its only through the tests we conducted that we found this out."
"You have cancer. We found that your brain has areas already eaten up by cancer cells. We could not determine the precise amount of the cancerous cells. But based on what we saw, the damage is beyond any repair already. I'm sorry, but me and my colleagues give you about a month's time before your brain fails."
"I'm sorry for being the one the tell you this. I.. I didn't expect the results also. I'm sorry."
I felt numb.
Now i know what the dream was about. I truly am dying.
When i opened my eyes, i was in bed. Soaked in my on sweat. My bed sheets were down to my knees. Sunlight is peeking through the windows. Everything was bright. I was in my room, in my bed, with a pillow held tight to my body.
Realizing the time, i decided to get up. I went down on the right side of my bed. I got hold of my slippers. It was under my bed, where i always leave them before i sleep. I staggered with the my first step. My knees buckled, and i almost fell to the ground. Luckily, i was able to grab hold of my bedside table. I pulled myself up. I tried to stand up straight without falling. But my knees were so weak. They seem to fail supporting my body. I was able to stand, but the slightest movement would surely bring me down to the floor. I decided to sit down on my bed for a moment. Maybe my knees and legs just felt numb from sleep.
And then it struck me. I just had a dream. The visions of the dream started to flow back to my head. I remembered dreaming of a bad dream. A dream where i saw myself lifeless in my own bed. I felt a shiver run throught my body. I quickly looked back at my bed, just to check if i am still dreaming or if i am truly awake. Everything seemed to be perfectly normal. I let out a sigh of relief, but the thought of the dream still bothered me. I saw it clearly, its just like a past memory. Everything was so clear. My mom, my sister, my body in my bed. Everything seemed so real.
I started to think what the dream meant to me. It seemed that every part of the dream was real, except of course the part where i saw myself dead. I asked myself why the dream was like that. It felt like a premonition of things that might happen to me. The headache, the doctor's advice regarding the medicine given to me, everything are really happening to me. I became afraid again. What if it really happens to me? What if i'm going to die that way? What if the headaches i'm having right now will be the cause of my death? I was shaking with the thoughts i have in my head.
I remembered suddenly that i was scheduled to go to my doctor to get the results of the tests done to me. The tests were done to determine why my headache won't go away. I argued with my doctor that there's nothing wrong with me. That i'm just having these headaches because i've just been too stressed lately. But my doctor insisted that i undergo the tests. And today is the day that will prove my argument. This is just migraine. An unluckily bad case of migraine, that's all.
When i finally had the strength to stand up and walk, i went straight to the bathroom to wash my face. When i looked at the mirror, i saw blood in my nose. It wasn't a surprise for me. This was not the first time i woke up with blood on my nose. I guessed that its an effect of the headaches i'm having right now, just like the one i had to battle last night. And, just like in my dream.
I tried to get it out of my head. It couldn't be true. It must not be true. Dreams are just dreams. They don't have anything to do with reality. I laughed it off. I smiled with thought of it. I'm just scaring myself. I'm just making up stories in my head. I felt myself grinning. I felt stupid thinking the dream might be true. Nothing is wrong with me. Its just a headache, that's all. I smiled to myself, then started dressing up for the day. I fixed my bed and feeling a low grumble in my stomach, i started walking to the door. As i was going out, i stopped suddenly and looked back to stare at my bed. The vision of the dream popped in my head again. I looked back to my bed, just to make sure. I was not dreaming. I smiled. But deep inside, there's a different feeling. I was scared.
We were the first to arrive in the doctor's office. I'm with my mom. She insisted she go with me today. She has nothing to do at home, and instead of getting bored, she deciede to go with me. This is not an ordinary thing happening. I seldom go out with my mom. I argued that i could go alone. I was by myself when i went here for my first check-up, and the succeeding ones. I don't know why she she just thought of going with me today. I guessed, there would be no harm in that. And besides, we'll just be in the doctor's office for a short time. We'll just get the results, and be on our way home after that.
The secretary ushered us inside the doctor's room, telling us that the doctor's arrived, and is ready to meet us. We said thank you, then went to the room next to the secretary's table.
When i saw the doctor, i thought that he was in a bad mood. His eyes were sad. And he had that look of sympathy on his face. He was not usually like that. Our family have known him for several years now. And during that span of time, i rarely saw him have that look in his face. He was always smiling, fun and jolly. He would always welcome us with full enthusiasm and heartfelt warmth. But not today. Maybe he has a problem. Maybe it was just a bad day for him.
He offered us seats in front of his table. He also offered us juice drinks which he prepared himself. As we sat, he sank into his chair, letting out a long sigh. He sat there silent for a some time, while looking at me, and my mom, and then back to me. I can still remember the words he spoke then. Every word he said came as a shock to me. He started again with a sigh, and spoke the words that left my heart and mind in ruins.
"I'm sorry, i don't know how to tell you this.... Based from the results of the test, we found out what the cause of your headaches is. Its only through the tests we conducted that we found this out."
"You have cancer. We found that your brain has areas already eaten up by cancer cells. We could not determine the precise amount of the cancerous cells. But based on what we saw, the damage is beyond any repair already. I'm sorry, but me and my colleagues give you about a month's time before your brain fails."
"I'm sorry for being the one the tell you this. I.. I didn't expect the results also. I'm sorry."
I felt numb.
Now i know what the dream was about. I truly am dying.
in the dark
i feel cold
my body's close to numbness
i've been in the dark too long
my eyes are shut
all i see is black
my voice is just a whisper
only breath comes out of my mouth
it's been too long in the dark
i forgot what the light looks like
i don't have a memory
of how it is being warm
what it felt like
when the sun gives its touch
i'm cold
i've longed for the warmth so long...
i'm numb
i can't feel a thing no more...
my body's close to numbness
i've been in the dark too long
my eyes are shut
all i see is black
my voice is just a whisper
only breath comes out of my mouth
it's been too long in the dark
i forgot what the light looks like
i don't have a memory
of how it is being warm
what it felt like
when the sun gives its touch
i'm cold
i've longed for the warmth so long...
i'm numb
i can't feel a thing no more...
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